type as me

After my recent tweet about perfecting the technique to make the perfect cup of tea, I had several requests (well, one) to reveal the secret.

I told them all him that I’d produce an illustrated guide to demonstrate the complex process, so here it is.

I will shortly be submitting it to the UK Tea Council for recognition, and so that it may be known as the Thornton Technique from this day forth.

To make the perfect cup of tea you will need:

• A mug (the bigger, the better, though not those ridiculous pint-size ones, as these play havoc on the specifics of this technique)
• A tea bag (the brand is up to the reader - I, myself, prefer PG Tips or Twinings Everyday, but this technique works with all varieties. Except fruit teas, which are the Devil’s work. PRO TIP: For those on a budget, Tesco’s Red Label make an ample substitute for the above brands)
• Some water (boiling hot, straight from the kettle)
• A kettle
• A teaspoon
• Some milk, to taste (I prefer semi-skimmed, reasonably milky)
• Sugar, optional (I have not taken sugar in my tea since I was told in a dream by my late grandfather to stop doing so, but that, my friends, is a story for another occasion)

Step One

Empty the kettle of the stale, previously boiled water that has undoubtedly been left from the previous boil. If your kettle is like mine, get rid of the lime scale too. Fill the kettle with water, and turn it on.

Eco-nuts will tell you to only boil enough water for the mug. Doing so is better for the environment, but it also means that the water will take less time to boil, and you will therefore have your tea much more quickly.

Step Two

Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, place the tea bag in the mug. DO NOT watch the kettle boil, as it will take longer, or even never boil at all.

If you take sugar, make sure you place it in the mug before you put the teabag in. This will ensure the maximum amount of sugar remains in the cup when the bag is removed.

If you are using a PG Tip pyramid bag, you may wish to “fluff it out” to make sure the pyramid stands proud in all its glory. This will also result in better infusion.

Step Three

Once the kettle has boiled, pour the boiling water into the mug immediately. Fill the cup to an appropriate level, leaving enough room for the desired amount of milk (we don’t want a repeat of the Great Spillage of ‘98 now, do we!)

Step Four

Now for the stirring, which is the most important part of the procedure. Before this can begin, however, the Pre-Stirring Protocol must be adhered to; using the teaspoon, gently squeeze the tea bag against the side of the mug. Do this twice.

It doesn’t matter which side of the spoon you use, although this area divides opinion. Some say the concave side “cups” the bag better, leading to more control, whereas others say the convex side produces a more efficient squeeze. Take my advice and do one of each!

Step Five

After the Pre-Stirring Protocol has been completed, the stirring can begin. There are 30 stirs that take place over a total of seven stages.

Firstly, place the teaspoon in the mug, and make three full stirs clockwise.

Step Six

Make four full stirs anti-clockwise.

Step Seven

Make five full stirs clockwise.

Step Eight

Make six full stirs anti-clockwise.

Step Nine 

Make five full stirs clockwise.

Step Ten

Make four full stirs anti-clockwise.

Step Eleven

Make three full stirs clockwise.

Thus ends the stirring process, and the tea should be a rich, dark brown colour. It is important to note that the starting direction of the first group of stirs is not important, but the number of stirs in each group, and the alternation in direction, is imperative.

Step Twelve

Add the desired amount of milk, remembering to factor in the inevitable, if short-lived, displacement that will be caused by the process of removing the tea bag.

Step Thirteen

Using the concave side of the teaspoon, gently squeeze the teabag against the side of the mug. The purpose of this is two-fold: it gives the cup of tea a final boost of flavour, and ensures that there is minimal drippage in transporting the teabag to the waste receptacle.

Tea veterans will be able to squeeze and lift the teabag out of the mug in one swift movement (the trick here is to begin the squeeze toward the bottom of the mug, and “drag” the teabag up the inside). With practice, even novices will be able to avoid any overspill the removal may cause.

Step Fourteen

Sit back, and enjoy the perfect cup of tea, preferably with a biscuit or two (make sure you read Sebastian Vanderpants’ excellent The Do’s and Don’ts of Dunking beforehand).